Specialis

[death by moogles]

I like the themes you're using. The intensity of such a racist culture that acts to such a degree that a democratic leader - president, in this case - would run his campaign based highly on the destruction of a race is amazing. To Kill a Mocking Bird for another time.
:D
Also, I like the conspiracy twist. Instead of the virus being private biological warfare gone bad - ala United States getting ahead of the game - like most other stories with the basis you're running off of, you've completely turned it around.

I'm intrigued.
:D

 

[dadevvtsvre]

Hey everybody, it's Dadevster, Guardian's PCP partner. I'm here to give some good, quality criticism (I hope) on Guardian's project, and in return, he'll do the same for mine. I know the last reply to this was in June, but I've been given the green light so here goes.

After reading the world overview, I was confused, but many things were cleared up when I read your other sections. It'd be nice to know a bit more about other characters, however, I'm not sure how many main and supporting characters you were planning on integrating into the story. It definitely took more than one read to understand it, but it's a unique concept to say the least. Governmental genocide isn't the most original idea, nor is the whole "secret group of people hiding from the government" plot. However, the way you've put it makes it seem fresh and new, so congratulations on that.

Now on to the actual criticism. We have to do at least three more PCP posts, so I probably won't post all my thoughts here. I also have a few questions I'd like to ask.

2078 - Magic Virus begins spreading.
2080 - Cure for Magic Virus found.  Population reduced to around five hundred thousand people.
2083 - Christina Marshall born.
2092 - Willard Separd elected president.
2096 - Story begins.

The "population reduced" thing here confuses me. Is 500 000 the population of the world, or simply the United States? If that was the population of Earth, that would mean that Earth's population has diminished by about 99.99% percent. That's a LOT. If the whole world was affected by about the same amount, (which it probably wasn't, but my point still stands) that would mean the United States new population would be about 30 000 people. I live near a town larger than that.

If you meant the population of the United States, then it would probably make more sense. But that would mean that the virus would've killed hundreds of millions people in the span of only two years. It is possible, but if there was such a dramatic loss in such a short time period, I wouldn't think things such as government and democracy would still exist. Or at least, wouldn't recover so quickly. I would think that people would simply be trying to survive, as things like major monopolies and businesses would crumble. It just seems improbable that they'd still be holding elections and such just a few years after a major disaster.


Okay, on to the characters. Only three right now. Having a girl as a main character is interesting, as most games I see here have a male protagonist. Anyway, Christina seems pretty young, only 13. It should be interesting to see how her age will affect the game's direction and story. Anyway, in the description, it said that they moved from Albany to Tunica. I was wondering if there were any reasons for the move...was it just for the heck of it, because Tutela was nearby...just wondering.

Okay, I'm going to save a lot of the criticism for some other posts, or else I'll have nothing to comment on.  :lol: Just wondering, what does the title "Specialis" have to do with the story? I searched it up on the internet, and apparently "Forma Specialis" is a name given to a parasite that is adapted to a specific host. Was this intentional? Because if it was, it's fairly interesting. Also, apparently "Lex Specialis" is a doctrine relating to the interpretation of laws or something like that. Anyway...fun fact!  :wink:

Okay, so I'll be awaiting your PCP posts, Guardian. Take your time.  :thumb: Hope this helps!

 

[Stardust]

Finally someone found something wrong with this.  Being appraised is nice, but it doesn't help me at all.

2078 - Magic Virus begins spreading.
2080 - Cure for Magic Virus found.  Population reduced to around five hundred thousand people.
2083 - Christina Marshall born.
2092 - Willard Separd elected president.
2096 - Story begins.

The "population reduced" thing here confuses me. Is 500 000 the population of the world, or simply the United States? If that was the population of Earth, that would mean that Earth's population has diminished by about 99.99% percent. That's a LOT. If the whole world was affected by about the same amount, (which it probably wasn't, but my point still stands) that would mean the United States new population would be about 30 000 people. I live near a town larger than that.

If you meant the population of the United States, then it would probably make more sense. But that would mean that the virus would've killed hundreds of millions people in the span of only two years. It is possible, but if there was such a dramatic loss in such a short time period, I wouldn't think things such as government and democracy would still exist. Or at least, wouldn't recover so quickly. I would think that people would simply be trying to survive, as things like major monopolies and businesses would crumble. It just seems improbable that they'd still be holding elections and such just a few years after a major disaster.

To be honest, I have no real concept of how many people exist in any one place.  I forget how large the planet is sometimes when I'm writing stories, which is why that number is horribly low.  The population is small, but still stable enough to maintain the previous order.  I'll have to crunch some numbers (I've always wanted to say that) and figure out something that seems more plausible.

Okay, on to the characters. Only three right now.

I'm working on adding more characters.  Those three are the main characters in the story, but I'll be adding more minor characters that aren't as important to the story.

Anyway, in the description, it said that they moved from Albany to Tunica. I was wondering if there were any reasons for the move...was it just for the heck of it, because Tutela was nearby...just wondering.

They were trying to get closer to an escape route.  Tunica is extremely close to the beginning of the route to Atlantis.  They Magus didn't want it to be obvious by them all moving to one location, so they split up and selected areas that were close to the underground entrances.  Christina's parents decided to stay as far away from Atlantis as possible in hopes that they could remain hidden, but that didn't work out too well.

Just wondering, what does the title "Specialis" have to do with the story?

Specialis is Latin for "secret", which is also why it's used in various other places.  I like Latin because it flows well and it's the base of most current languages, so I use it for titles and spells sometimes.