Dark Earth: Darkness is Calling

[Luminier]

Also would like to point out that the main character's homewolrd's gravity is thirty times the gravity of earth.

:-/ Now it just sounds like you're making shit up as you go to cover your ass. Do you even know how much pressure thirty times Earth's gravity would be?! I'm betting you just pulled that number out of your ass.Sorry, but you need to do some research before you just make stuff up.

That's what it sounds like to me, at least! :D

 

[Red Dawn]

College course? That passed? Far out, what third-world country do you live in?

Lame insults aside, this sucks. I shall now proceed to mock your thread.
[mocking rant] Woo on a really big planet four thousand years ago some guy got lots of powers. Then he learnt a 'dark' technique with a pointless name. He ruled over everyone, and they were somehow unable to defeat him, because he had 'deaths door'. But not a single other person had the 'deaths door', nor the capability to obtain 'deaths door'. I'm putting that in quotes because it's a stupid name. Now everyone thinks, for no reason whatsoever, that the main character is the reincarnate of someone evil. Despite the fact that you have to be ultra-powerful to obtain 'deaths door', and you have to throw aside your humanity (he obviously still has his humanity) in order to obtain 'deaths door', and he has undergone no training to obtain this super powerful technique, everybody randomly, pointlessly, for no reason whatsoever, without any evidence of it - he has never revealed more than an 'abnormal level of powers' - thinks that he was born with it.

Now, assuming everyone plans to kill what they believe to be this reincarnation of an evil dude, he is somehow going to evade everybody in the world to avoid being murdered, and set out to prove something which there was never any reason to think is not true. AND HE IS THE GODDAMN PRINCE. WHAT THE HELL.

Those are my main problems with your story. Here are my problems with your characters.

I just reread them and, oh god, I hate everything. Why did he kill someone he loved because he wasn't allowed to date her? Assuming that it is similar to earths medieval time, if he gained any title (Knight, Noble, Baron etc) or even if he were a scholar (Something any poor boy would probably love) then he could easily gain permission, assuming of course that Sheron wanted to date him. If she doesn't, tough freaking break. How the hell can a 12 year old in poverty be muscular? The 10yo i'll accept, maybe he had a team of bodybuilders since he was like 6. But a young child in poverty, who's clothes are rags, wouldn't get enough food to become anything but desperately skinny. When you do a bio you should write about their personality as opposed to their history. Or at least both.

Your spelling and grammar is appalling. 'Nuff said.

Your thread layout sucks. A CRAP history/world layout/story synopsis. Your feature list is applicable, you just don't have any. Screenshots also apply, you just either a. can't be bothered taking any or b. haven't started your game. [/mocking rant]


EDIT: Oh god someone ban this guy he's made 4 crap early projects threads, they gradually get better but this is the best, they all suck.


Okay now, striker? Listen to what i say here. People give advice (or mock you) because they want to help you improve. Therefore, if you take their advice, you should hopefully improve. Every time you've posted (I went through your 11 or something posts) somebody (actually somebodies) has told you to work on your damn spelling and grammar, like using full stops. FUCKING DO IT. Stop making crap uninformative threads with the grammar and spelling of a non-English-speaking four year old.

1. Learn to spell, and use full stops, capital letters, commas etc
2. Come up with a decent storyline that doesn't suck, then post it in the predevelopment thread for critique. When you have something good (and hopefully original) then start on your game. If you are doing alright, then make a thread with bold titles, clearly laid out story, history, characters (optional), features and some screenshots. Utilize your newly-learnt grammar skills. Okay? Not that hard. It won't take much effort.
3. Also, don't make recruitment threads asking for people for every job except storyline (which you can't supply at all), because nobody wants to waste their time on such a crap game. Learn some skills yourself, I can write reasonably well, i'm learning to sprite, I'm keeping music on hold but plan to just find it around the internet later, I can event myself and i find scripts. Don't bother with requesting skillful people until you have some skills yourself. Mess around with rtp before you try custom. Learn the program, start by making a short game to learn the program before you make a full game with an 'in-depth' *cough* storyline.

 

[Skyla Doragono]

Red Dawn, you are so my new hero. <3

 

[Striker]

College course? That passed? Far out, what third-world country do you live in?

Lame insults aside, this sucks. I shall now proceed to mock your thread.
[mocking rant] Woo on a really big planet four thousand years ago some guy got lots of powers. Then he learnt a 'dark' technique with a pointless name. He ruled over everyone, and they were somehow unable to defeat him, because he had 'deaths door'. But not a single other person had the 'deaths door', nor the capability to obtain 'deaths door'. I'm putting that in quotes because it's a stupid name. Now everyone thinks, for no reason whatsoever, that the main character is the reincarnate of someone evil. Despite the fact that you have to be ultra-powerful to obtain 'deaths door', and you have to throw aside your humanity (he obviously still has his humanity) in order to obtain 'deaths door', and he has undergone no training to obtain this super powerful technique, everybody randomly, pointlessly, for no reason whatsoever, without any evidence of it - he has never revealed more than an 'abnormal level of powers' - thinks that he was born with it.

Now, assuming everyone plans to kill what they believe to be this reincarnation of an evil dude, he is somehow going to evade everybody in the world to avoid being murdered, and set out to prove something which there was never any reason to think is not true. AND HE IS THE GODDAMN PRINCE. WHAT THE HELL.

Those are my main problems with your story. Here are my problems with your characters.

I just reread them and, oh god, I hate everything. Why did he kill someone he loved because he wasn't allowed to date her? Assuming that it is similar to earths medieval time, if he gained any title (Knight, Noble, Baron etc) or even if he were a scholar (Something any poor boy would probably love) then he could easily gain permission, assuming of course that Sheron wanted to date him. If she doesn't, tough freaking break. How the hell can a 12 year old in poverty be muscular? The 10yo i'll accept, maybe he had a team of bodybuilders since he was like 6. But a young child in poverty, who's clothes are rags, wouldn't get enough food to become anything but desperately skinny. When you do a bio you should write about their personality as opposed to their history. Or at least both.

Your spelling and grammar is appalling. 'Nuff said.

Your thread layout sucks. A CRAP history/world layout/story synopsis. Your feature list is applicable, you just don't have any. Screenshots also apply, you just either a. can't be bothered taking any or b. haven't started your game. [/mocking rant]


EDIT: Oh god someone ban this guy he's made 4 crap early projects threads, they gradually get better but this is the best, they all suck.


Okay now, striker? Listen to what i say here. People give advice (or mock you) because they want to help you improve. Therefore, if you take their advice, you should hopefully improve. Every time you've posted (I went through your 11 or something posts) somebody (actually somebodies) has told you to work on your damn spelling and grammar, like using full stops. FUCKING DO IT. Stop making crap uninformative threads with the grammar and spelling of a non-English-speaking four year old.

1. Learn to spell, and use full stops, capital letters, commas etc
2. Come up with a decent storyline that doesn't suck, then post it in the predevelopment thread for critique. When you have something good (and hopefully original) then start on your game. If you are doing alright, then make a thread with bold titles, clearly laid out story, history, characters (optional), features and some screenshots. Utilize your newly-learnt grammar skills. Okay? Not that hard. It won't take much effort.
3. Also, don't make recruitment threads asking for people for every job except storyline (which you can't supply at all), because nobody wants to waste their time on such a crap game. Learn some skills yourself, I can write reasonably well, i'm learning to sprite, I'm keeping music on hold but plan to just find it around the internet later, I can event myself and i find scripts. Don't bother with requesting skillful people until you have some skills yourself. Mess around with rtp before you try custom. Learn the program, start by making a short game to learn the program before you make a full game with an 'in-depth' *cough* storyline.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with you because I am good at spelling since elementary. It's been aleast two years since I last posted a project and before you start making claims about me making four thread posts in early project thread because i do have a brother who posts here too. I also would like to point out that i am also taking a creative writing class which has me writing stories and the teacher has never complained about my grammar and before you rant about my teacher's stupid, she has published many books of various genre's. All the stories I have written for her were given a grade of A or B. Also would like to state that i was at 12th grade high school reading level while still in elementary school and I was in fourth grade.

 

[Luminier]

I don't know what the hell is wrong with you because I am good at spelling since elementary. It's been aleast two years since I last posted a project and before you start making claims about me making four thread posts in early project thread because i do have a brother who posts here too. I also would like to point out that i am also taking a creative writing class which has me writing stories and the teacher has never complained about my grammar and before you rant about my teacher's stupid, she has published many books of various genre's. All the stories I have written for her were given a grade of A or B. Also would like to state that i was at 12th grade high school reading level while still in elementary school and I was in fourth grade.

XD You're so full of crap! XD It's so funny!

I know what the hell is wrong with Red Dawn; This thread sucks. AND I'm fairly certain that your game sucks. Your spelling is almost passable. Your grammar stinks, like day-old vomit. Your story is dumb, and uninteresting. Your characters have no reasonable motivation for any of their actions.

I you were telling the truth about your English skills, then please, please use them here.

Thanks! ^_^

 

[Ratty524]

Wow, I think I just fell in love with Red Dawn. XD

 

[stryderblaze]

would this help ratty main character's homeworld's gravity is two times the gravity of earth

 

[Rare]

I don't know what the hell is wrong with you because I am good at spelling since elementary. It's been aleast two years since I last posted a project and before you start making claims about me making four thread posts in early project thread because i do have a brother who posts here too. I also would like to point out that i am also taking a creative writing class which has me writing stories and the teacher has never complained about my grammar and before you rant about my teacher's stupid, she has published many books of various genre's. All the stories I have written for her were given a grade of A or B. Also would like to state that i was at 12th grade high school reading level while still in elementary school and I was in fourth grade.

Let me dissect this.

I am good at spelling since elementary.

Ouch, you knew that one was coming. Need I say more?

aleast

Isn't a word!

and before you start making claims about me making four thread posts in early project thread because i do have a brother who posts here too.

What is this supposed to prove/solve? You want e-beef and you're going to get your brother to e-back you? o_o

I also would like to point out that i am also taking a creative writing class which has me writing stories and the teacher has never complained about my grammar and before you rant about my teacher's stupid, she has published many books of various genre's.

Unless your teacher co-wrote like Dr. Suess; actually wait, Dr. Suess books are more enjoyable to read than your 'creative writing'. That being said, I'd still say I'm going to:

rant about my teacher's stupid

.

Also would like to state that i was at 12th grade high school reading level while still in elementary school and I was in fourth grade

Take it from a senior year high school student, there is no way in fucking hell you are (or were in grade 4) at a grade 12 reading level. Being able to 'read' is pretty much a grade 1 concept. Understanding what you read based on context and; fuck it, I'm not even going to get into this. No, just no. Please.

OKAY. Now that I have ever-so-rudely and arrogantly expressed my opinion on your 'paragraph' (it's a disgrace to even call it that), I'd like to comment on the topic (in addition to my little Spartan boy comment on the second page).

First, the name. I find it very cliche and a little redundant. Second...here I'll dissect the story plot:

On a planet known as Sunia and on it?s surface contains seven large continents. These continents contained lush forests, and deserts not to mention vast oceans that would make earth look like a marble. It is on this very same planet that our story begins starting with it?s past. 1500 years ago before my family came to power there was a superhuman who gained extraordinary powers far beyond his natural limit. This superhuman tossed aside his humanity in order to obtain a very dark power known as Death?s Door to rule over others with cruelty and the death of others who defied him. Four thousand years later my people think I am the incarnate of the person who obtained the power of death?s door. I do admit having abnormal level of powers but I will prove to them that it is not Death?s Door.

On a planet known as Sunia and on it?s surface contains seven large continents.

Personally, this sentence alone may sound better like this:

"There once was a planet known as Sunia. Spread out across the planet were seven large continents."

Now, even that sounds like shit. Why? Theres nothing to 'beef' up the sentence. Working alone with what you provided, thats the best I could do to reconstruct the sentence. I suggest more use of adjectives and maybe even some metaphors. If you are going to make a topic, you really need to 'hook' the readers attention. On almost every line I had to read, and re-read going back and forth, stumbling on your sentences. This is a VERY bad thing. Tell that to your creative writing class.

not to mention

PLEASE, stop saying this. It's really pissing me off. It makes you sound like an idiot and completely destroys any type of interesting narration for the pitching of the plot.

The rest of the 'paragraph' is completely worthless. Utterly worthless. I can hardly pull any valuable information about the main protagonist (even when you suddenly did a voice change (changed the narration to first person)! Don't do that, either) or the antagonist. All I can make out is 'deaths door'. Uh, what? No idea what that is. There is little to no detail on anything.

Ugh, you know all about whats wrong with the characters, right? They've all told you.

Man, my English teacher would skin you alive if she ever caught sight of this.

All in all, you need a new teacher (if you ever had one), some extensive literary skills (especially sentence structure), a better storyline with more thought-out characters, and to pull your head out of your ass and get your act together. Seriously, stop thinking you're the best, and you might get somewhere. Stop posting crappy threads with little to no content just because you can.

Sorry if you take offense to anything I may have said, but it's all true. This is a suggestion and I hope you learn from it; that way, you can make much more interesting, and efficient project threads.

Good luck.

 

[Luminier]

I think I like Elias' rant a bit more than Red Dawn's.

Killer. ^_^

 

[stryderblaze]

for your information i wasn't ranting for my brother i was doin this for my own accord and was answering ratty so get off my back

Let me dissect this.

Ouch, you knew that one was coming. Need I say more?
Isn't a word!
What is this supposed to prove/solve? You want e-beef and you're going to get your brother to e-back you? o_o
Unless your teacher co-wrote like Dr. Suess; actually wait, Dr. Suess books are more enjoyable to read than your 'creative writing'. That being said, I'd still say I'm going to: .



Take it from a senior year high school student, there is no way in fucking hell you are (or were in grade 4) at a grade 12 reading level. Being able to 'read' is pretty much a grade 1 concept. Understanding what you read based on context and; fuck it, I'm not even going to get into this. No, just no. Please.

OKAY. Now that I have ever-so-rudely and arrogantly expressed my opinion on your 'paragraph' (it's a disgrace to even call it that), I'd like to comment on the topic (in addition to my little Spartan boy comment on the second page).

First, the name. I find it very cliche and a little redundant. Second...here I'll dissect the story plot:




Personally, this sentence alone may sound better like this:

"There once was a planet known as Sunia. Spread out across the planet were seven large continents."

Now, even that sounds like shit. Why? Theres nothing to 'beef' up the sentence. Working alone with what you provided, thats the best I could do to reconstruct the sentence. I suggest more use of adjectives and maybe even some metaphors. If you are going to make a topic, you really need to 'hook' the readers attention. On almost every line I had to read, and re-read going back and forth, stumbling on your sentences. This is a VERY bad thing. Tell that to your creative writing class.



PLEASE, stop saying this. It's really pissing me off. It makes you sound like an idiot and completely destroys any type of interesting narration for the pitching of the plot.

The rest of the 'paragraph' is completely worthless. Utterly worthless. I can hardly pull any valuable information about the main protagonist (even when you suddenly did a voice change (changed the narration to first person)! Don't do that, either) or the antagonist. All I can make out is 'deaths door'. Uh, what? No idea what that is. There is little to no detail on anything.

Ugh, you know all about whats wrong with the characters, right? They've all told you.

Man, my English teacher would skin you alive if she ever caught sight of this.

All in all, you need a new teacher (if you ever had one), some extensive literary skills (especially sentence structure), a better storyline with more thought-out characters, and to pull your head out of your ass and get your act together. Seriously, stop thinking you're the best, and you might get somewhere. Stop posting crappy threads with little to no content just because you can.

Sorry if you take offense to anything I may have said, but it's all true. This is a suggestion and I hope you learn from it; that way, you can make much more interesting, and efficient project threads.

Good luck.

 

[Luminier]

:-/ Uh, why did you have to quote that whole thing?

Anyway, if two brothers share the same account, then maybe before your post, you should say something like "Phylip: i herd u liek mudkipz", and "William: i herd my project thread sux". That would make it a lot less confusing.

Or you could just get two separate accounts, it's not that hard.

 

[Red Dawn]

...Ouch

Nah j/k Thanks Atemu & Ratty and Lummy i suppose hehe.
I think it's hilarious that despite the fact that every other post criticizes his crap grammar, he still thinks it's fine. As Elias said (slightly kinder) LEARN SOME FUCKING SENTENCE STRUCTURE.
Back to you, Jim.

EDIT: That was aimed two posts ago, when i started writing it.
EDIT2: Write things out in a word processor first. It'll tell you of fragments most of the time, plus missing capitals, full stops, commas etc, as well as spelling errors. There, that problem solved, just six left now.

 

[Rare]

Why is this a competition of rants?

That wasn't the purpose of my post.

 

[Clizzz]

Though I do not approve of such rough training, DUDE, apparently nobody reads, studies, and/or plans their projects anymore. They just run and jut down a bunch of random foolishness in their haste to post their project. Even though I hate to say it, I think some of the others might have been right ( Referring to DarkOmens Thread ) The Creative Abilities of RMXP has been going down recently.

Now that does not mean that with some refining, this thread can't become applaudible, but making up lame excuses to cover your rump, excuses that don't have proper spelling and sentence coherence in the first place. (Sidenote: I'm in 9th grade right now, and I have gotten 12th Grade marks on my Standardized Tests, especially in Spelling and Language Arts, and there is NO WAY IN HELL, judging by your spelling that can show us that. If you do have what you say you have, you are severely limiting your self on this)

Anywho, Please, do us all a favor, go and read what CCOA has to say about making an Attractive Project Thread and give us something we won't have to complain about.

BTW, see how this is unfair, Those of use who make decent threads get so little reviews, and people who make horrid threads get all the reviews. See how life is unfair?

 

[Zammy]

How is it possible to top those rants? :-/ Just kidding...but I may be in love with you guys now.
Well...there's nothing really to add here. I agree with what everyone else said.
As for your grammar... (God I wanted to stab my eyes out as I read your first post! NO LIE! Well...maybe it is...but...you know what I mean.)
Well...I won't go there. It's already been said enough here.
Just seriously. Take everyone's advice.
Put your stuff in something like Microsoft Word and correct the errors.

BTW, see how this is unfair, Those of use who make decent threads get so little reviews, and people who make horrid threads get all the reviews. See how life is unfair?

Its probably because we all like to point out what we so deeply dislike about the project :D And I'm not really liking this one. I'm not interested in it at all. Not just because of the grammar...I just don't like it for reasons already said earlier.
But as Clizzz said,
Work on this a bit, fix some things, and maybe it will catch people's attention in a positive way.

 

[Striker]

I think I have it right this time, but let me know what I need to change.

Note: Look at my first post

 

[Luminier]

Um, I think you were supposed to remove the paces in that code. ':|

Besides, that's not what needs fixing. What needs fixing is your bad grammar, the terrible story, those stupid characters, and everything else.

You should worry about this thread once your game is more than a crap idea.

 

[Skyla Doragono]

Sorry, but it's still extremely blah.

Also, your bbcode is buggered.

 

[Striker]

i fixed the bbcode and i just realized when i copy& paste the history it replaced the quotetation marks and commas with question marks

 

[Skyla Doragono]

Hun, do you not realize what people are telling you? Let me put it out in plain English:

YOUR STORY SUCKS.

Allow me the pleasure of tearing it to pieces. Corrections to your keyboard flailing are marked in red.

A legend passed down from father to son through four generations of the Oron Royal Family. According to legend, there was one superhuman who managed to obtain an evil power known to many people as "Death's Door".

The "Oron Royal Family" is referring to an important group of people. Give your shift key some more exercise. Also, as previously stated, calling an evil mystical power "Death's Door" is utterly retarded. When you say "Death's Door", people usually thing of the gates to Hades, or when a person is about to die they are said to be at death's door. It's a bad name for a super power.

This evil power was embraced by those who sought power greater than their natural limit. In order to obtain this power they had to toss aside everything that made them human.

You switched your verb tense mid sentence, big no no. Also, don't be afraid to split up your ideas. This sounds smoother than the constant rambling that sentence was originally.

Also... wait, back up, hold the phone. If one must give up their humanity to obtain this power, then how was it obtained by a superhuman?

With this dark power they created an army of soulless soldiers whose souls had been corrupted or tainted by this power.

Switching tense again. Also, who is "they"? You only mentioned one person before!

Your first paragraph is a complete failure. You go from talking about one person to many people, and the reader doesn't realize that this army of soulless soldiers were made by these "many people" that gave themselves to this power until the second paragraph.

The legend further stated that there was only one person who was successful in obtaining "Death's Door" and the soulless army to do his bidding by attacking several villages and cities.

Grammatically, this sentence makes no sense whatsoever, so I'm not even bothering to change it. In fact, I give up correcting at this point because this is hurting my Grammar-fu. You're saying way too much in one sentence; mix it up!

It was through this soulless army terrorizing the local population that forced them to swear fealty to this person. For the next five hundred years people lived in fear and terror that plagued one of seven large continents of planet sunia. This tyrannical ruler's name was never mention in the legend written by someone who lived through his reign of terror except it does mention who ended the tyrannical ruler's reign.

TOO. MUCH. USELESS. INFORMATION. THAT. MAKES. NO. SENSE.

I don't even know what you're trying to say here. Who is the tyrannical ruler? Is it the man who harnessed the power of this "evil power with a stupid name"? Why mention the whole freakin' planet if all this is taking place one just ONE continent? How can the story be a "legend" if it was written by someone that lived through the events? Most people would call that "history".

The legend states, The person who ended the reign of terror that plagued his fellow villagers was someone who wore the suit of armor that bared the first generation oron family emblem.

You really have something against capitalizing their family name, don't you? Also, capitalization in the wrong place, and you are switching tense. Again. Are you passing English in school at all? 'Cause this is basic stuff and you're fucking it up royally.

According to the oron family records the person wearing the suit of armor was Deron oron, A knight who used to serve the current king who later became the nightmarish tyrant who now rules over them.

Who was your father's, nephew's, brother's, uncle's former roommate... oh wait. More capitals in the wrong places, and you are RAMBLING.

In order to end his lordships rule he was told to find the power that was equal or greater than his lord's "Death's Door" and the weapon capable of slaying the soulless army that serves his lord.

What? What?! WHAT?! This makes no sense! If this so utterly retarded Death's Door thing is so powerful that someone has to give up their humanity to use it, HOW IS THERE SOMETHING MORE POWERFUL!? You. Do not. Make any SENSE!

1500 years later

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

You wake up in the morning after yesterdays brief sparring session with your friend and begin feeling aura of malice that begins to fade when your sister knocks on your bedroom door telling you breakfast is ready. Your parents, the king and queen of Dunia invites your friend to have breakfast with you despite objections from royal advisers.
After breakfast, your father tells you that your teachers have prepared the final combat lesson for you this afternoon. Your friend returns home to help his father blacksmith weapons for their customers until closing time. The next morning, your friend decides to venture outside the city where he comes across some old ruins. He decides to head home for now and venture inside it once he has the proper equipment.

Wait... woah... what? Hunh? Okay... you go from talking from the point of view of this prince... and then his friend. Why? Pick one, and stick with it.

Also... that's it? Oh, ruins! Let's go get some equipment! :D You just made people suffer through that pointless pain of "history" for NOTHING?!

I will add more soon as i can think of how to proceed from here

No, no, don't add more. Seriously. This is utter, awful trash. The best way to proceed is hitting that little "Report" button on your first post, type "Please lock this." in the box that appears, and then clicking "Send". It will save yourself and the rest of the world a lot of grief.